I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
