Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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