just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
