Umm I'm too high to move.
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
