I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
