I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
