Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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