If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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