There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
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You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
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One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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