I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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