that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
