Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
