I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
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What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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