Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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