Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
