i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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