my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Randomize
