i just sent this text using only my big toe
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
