Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
