speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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