1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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