you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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