I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
