His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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