My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
