I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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