Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
