god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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