There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers