I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
