I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
