I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
