I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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