We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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