If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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