he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
