not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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