If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
