I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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