I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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