I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
