I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
