I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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