I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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