My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
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