if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
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