So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
