I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
