i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
