What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
