checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
