hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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