If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize