i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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