Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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