five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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