my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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