you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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