I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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